Public toilet etiquette

I don’t imagine myself to be a fussy person. I mean, if an item of food falls on my kitchen floor and there’s no visible dirt or hair on said item of food, I’m totally going to eat it. Like a lot of people, though, the concept of sharing a toilet with strangers triggers my gag reflex. I understand that sometimes nature calls when we are not at home and therefore using a public toilet at some point in our lives is inevitable. Don’t like it, but I accept it. In fact, I’ve had to accept an unhealthy dose of wicked nasty public toilet situations in my time. I’ve seen things that I can’t un-see. I’ve survived only because I’m good at holding my breath and at using my feet to manipulate things.

Even the best maintained public toilet facilities have their moments of nastiness because they are primarily used by humans. And many humans are messed up individuals who lack basic concepts of hygiene and decency and can most charitably be described as walking disease vectors. But let’s remain charitable for a moment and pretend that these freaks are basically decent folks who just don’t know any better. Nobody taught them how to behave in public toilet situations. That’s why I’m here. As a public service, I’ve put together a code of conduct designed to help all of us navigate the inherent awkwardness of sharing a space where we gather for the specific purpose of emptying our collective bowels and bladders. Learn it and live it:

• Always flush. Always. Humans who don’t flush are the fucking worst. Period. The list of worst humans who have ever walked among us looks like this: 1. Non-flushers.  2. Hitler. 3. Pol Pot. 4. Wall Street bankers. 5. Osama bin Laden. That’s the list. No matter what kind of sick kick you get out of leaving behind the foulest thing your body can produce, please know there is a special place in hell for you.

• Don’t talk on your phone. You might wonder if it is ever acceptable to use a phone while sitting on a public toilet. Well, wonder no more because it’s never acceptable. No exception. What could be so important that you need to talk about it while shitting? Answer: nothing. Nothing is so important that it can’t wait until you wipe your ass, flush the toilet, wash your hands with soap and water, and exit the public restroom. Talking on the phone while standing at the urinal in the men’s room is also weird. Especially if you’re a woman.

• Wash your hands.  No matter how careful you think you are, you still probably got some fecal bacteria on your hands. I don’t want cholera because you thought you were careful when you wiped your ass.

• Respect personal space. This is good practice any time, but especially in a public toilet. Don’t look. Don’t speak. Don’t crowd. Don’t touch. Remember former U.S. Senator Larry Craig? An undercover cop arrested the Idaho Republican for soliciting sex in a Minneapolis airport men’s room after the senator tapped his foot and also reached a hand under the partition of the stall occupied by the undercover cop. Although he pleaded guilty to charges, Senator Craig later argued that his actions were misinterpreted, explaining that he “has a wide stance” when doing his business. I don’t care if you are inviting me to have sex or if you just carelessly placed your foot near mine: If any part of your person strays into my stall, you deserve public ridicule and some time in jail.

• No sex in public toilet facilities. Not even between consenting adults. This happens a lot in movies but I cannot confirm its existence in real life. I hope it’s just a movie thing but if you’ve ever dabbled in this activity you need to stop (including you, Senator Craig). It’s icky. Amy Adams used to be one of those women who I would definitely consider dating if Carissa ever left me, and possibly even if she didn’t. But then in that American Hustle movie she and Bradley Cooper go at it in a toilet stall at a New York nightclub. Ugh. Don’t care that it’s only a movie. You’re off my list, Amy Adams. You too, American Sniper. 

• When at work, stay close to home base. In my building there is a restroom on every floor and one on every wing of every floor. There are a lot of toilets in my building. Sometimes I see strangers furtively dart into the restroom on my wing. Nope. Bad form. You don’t belong here, cowboy. Do your stinky business in your own wing.

• Put a trash can near the exit. It’s time for a truce between germophobes and those in charge of public restroom maintenance. You all know clean freaks who refuse to expose themselves to the bacterial-laden horror of a public toilet door handle unless protected by the impenetrable hygienic shield that is a paper towel. These same people seem to believe that if a trash can is not handy, it’s perfectly appropriate to toss their impenetrable hygienic shield onto the restroom floor. At the men’s room in the building wing on my floor at work, it’s a full-blown stand-off. The clean freaks keep throwing used paper towels on the floor by the door and the maintenance staff steadfastly refuses to move a trash can closer to the door. Apparently it’s easier to pick up trash than provide a trash can. Here’s a news flash, maintenance guys: The clean-freak germaphobe guys aren’t going to change, ever. That’s not how OCD dudes roll. So let’s just give them a little trash can by the door and avoid the clutter and extra work of picking up their dirty paper towels. Problem solved.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list. I don’t even mention that coffee and beer are the only food or drink that should ever be brought into a public restroom, that you never use a urinal next to another urinator unless there’s no alternative, that you never ever set anything on the floor, that you should keep the small talk to a minimum. If nothing else, just remember the basics. Don’t touch anything that doesn’t belong to you and don’t forget to wash your hands. And most importantly do not forget to flush the damn toilet.