Nebraska isn't for everyone.

Nebraska officials recently announced a new campaign centered on a slogan designed to sexy up its underwhelming reputation as a tourism destination: The new slogan designed to sexy up Nebraska for tourists? Honestly, it’s not for everyone.

Honestly. That’s the slogan. Not everyone believes “it’s not for everyone” is a good slogan. Some Nebraskans even believe this slogan is a thing that is unholy, like the 1994 Orange Bowl or the first six games of the University of Nebraska’s 2018 football season. But you know what? Those people are idiots. The slogan is brilliant! And I should know. Not only did I spend a good chunk of my 20s in the Cornhusker State as a journalist, I also met and married my Nebraska-born-and-raised wife there. Our romance began at a Nebraskaland Days rodeo dance in North Platte. She asked me to marry her in a canoe on the Niobrara River (she disputes this but it is true). I’ve watched College World Series baseball in Omaha, covered high school football in Grant, written about the Ogallala aquifer and ethanol plants, attended a wedding in York and bachelor parties in Lincoln, fed cattle at my in-laws’ ranch in Garden County, walked in wagon wheel ruts left by Oregon Trail settlers at Windlass Hill and Chimney Rock. I even discovered the best prime rib in America at Butch’s Steakhouse in a Quonset hut off U.S. Highway 30 in  Hershey.

But that’s only partially why I am the most uniquely qualified person in all the world to comment on Nebraska’s new tourism slogan. You see, a few years ago I wrote a love letter to my home state of Idaho in the form of a blog post. The post was my response, delivered years after the fact, to a woman, a senior government official, who pretentiously “apologized” to me when she learned that I was transferring for work from Washington, D.C., to Boise, Idaho. “Eww. I’m sorry,” she said. She grimaced as if she had caught a whiff of something unpleasant. As my Aunt Jean might put it, the woman acted as if she was holding a turd on her upper lip.

What I wanted to do in that moment was crush her arrogance with my superior wit and devastating rhetoric. What I actually did in that moment was mumble awkwardly about looking forward to the opportunity, that I was from Idaho and happily escaping the big city to return to my roots. Weak! So obviously I devoted considerable time over the subsequent years to coming up with what I should have said. I had an epiphany on a backpack/fishing trip in Idaho’s Sawtooth Mountains while drinking cocktails around a campfire with buddies. “You’re right,” I told my antagonist in this version of my story, smiling smugly and replying sweetly. “You probably wouldn’t like it. Idaho isn’t for everyone.”

Nebraska’s slogan works basically the same way. It concedes the fact that Nebraska is not high on most - but not all - people’s list of top tourist destinations. That’s the point. Yes, it says, we recognize that we don’t have a national park or a world famous city. We lack ski resorts and our Lake McConaughy sandy beaches can’t compete with Florida (or even Delaware). No destination amusement parks. We’re too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. And don’t get me started on the wind! Also, we’re a long way from population centers on both coasts. These are facts and if you’re the type of person who can’t get past this, well, honestly? Nebraska is not for you.

Put another way, if you’re the kind of superficial snob traveler who needs to be dazzled and entertained, that’s what Orlando and Times Square are for. But if you’re looking for authentic experiences, if you’re curious-minded enough to try something different, why not Nebraska? History nerds intrigued by the Oregon Trail? We got you covered. Bird enthusiasts experiencing the spectacle of 600,000 Sandhills Crane fueling up on Nebraska cornfields for their northern migration? Check. Quirky roadside attractions? Hello, Carhenge and Pioneer Village! And while it might not be for everyone, only the most insufferable elites would ever regret exposing themselves to a small town 4th of July parade and rodeo or a county fair.

Look. If you’re coming up with a tourism slogan for Nebraska, the reality is that Nebraska does not have the advantages of California. But it has something California does not. Carhenge, yes, but also relative obscurity! But that is an advantage if you find those specific travelers who are looking for something, well, relatively obscure. And fresh and different. Travelers who return home and tell pretentious neighbors at cocktail parties in elite enclaves that they probably wouldn’t like Nebraska. Honestly. It’s not for everyone.  

BONUS POST

FREE IDEA FOR NEBRASKA TOURISM OFFICIALS: Rather than pay a Colorado marketing firm to create your tourism campaign, I hereby grant to Nebraska tourism officials a free idea that is certain to boost visitor numbers and revenue: Go after affluent parents! In my corner of the East Coast, wealthy parents are willing to pay big money for their children to have “authentic experiences” that look good on applications to elite colleges. They understand that admissions officers will look favorably on only so many essays about teenagers going to Haiti to help a community, only to discover that it was the Haitian community that helped them learn something about themselves. Imagine a program where rich kids can spend three weeks detasseling corn at the Senator Ben Sasse Lofty Rhetoric Leadership Academy. Yale just might be interested in a prep school kid exposed to honest labor in the Heartland. But wait! There’s more: Nebraska Storm Chaser Experience, a two-week summer camp where kids ride along in rugged vehicles loaded with gadgets looking for tornadoes. And what prestigious college wouldn’t be impressed by an applicant deputized as a “cattle guard” though a special Nebraska Cattle Association interactive program? Alternatively, learn bovine sciences and the chemical and biological properties of "muck" in a Nebraska cattle feedlot at the "Smells Like Money" work-study program. Or, for the right price (and a signed waiver and full indemnification agreement), my brother-in-law might even let a kid drive a tractor over his summer fallow. This is a potentially lucrative cash stream. Act soon before Iowa or Kansas grab this model.