A few weeks back I wrote a screed about ten things not worth the money. Maybe I
was a little negative, trying to work through some anger issues, who knows?
What I do know is that some people like to act like all I do is bitch. Not
true! This one time I wrote something nice about the traffic and weather here in D.C.. So screw off if you think I’m too negative. But just to show some
people (OK, it’s my wife, Carissa) that I can see the bottle of Knob Creek in
the cabinet above the refrigerator as half full (half full, wow? I really drank
that much bourbon last night?) I’m adopting a positive attitude. I came up with
ten things that are absolutely totally worth the money. Not existential things
like hugs from a child or the smell of sagebrush on a crisp autumn morning. Who
could put a price tag on such things? Well, lawyers and economists. But I
digress. Here is my list of ten things worth their cost.
1. 34-ounce stainless steel vacuum insulated coffee
Thermos
This workhorse costs about thirty bucks. I take it to work
every day. It takes a beating and still does its job. It doesn’t talk back. It
doesn’t call in sick. It never lets me down. All it does is provide me a
steaming hot mug of coffee when I arrive at my desk in the morning and another
one in the early afternoon. Every. Damn. Day. Anybody who wants my 34-ounce
stainless steel vacuum insulated coffee Thermos can have it when they pry it
from my cold, dead hand.
2. Quilted toilet papeI
2. Quilted toilet papeI
I generally give people the benefit of the doubt. Nope.
Mostly false. I’m horrible about judging people. I judge how you drive, the
music you listen to, the quality and placement of your tattoos, your grammar,
your lack of intellectual curiosity, your confusion about correlation and
causation. But I reserve my harshest judgment for the quality of the toilet
paper in your guest bathroom. Do the right thing. Buy the good toilet paper. If
not for your guests, at least for yourself.
3 Fleece
How can people survive without fleece? Warm, lightweight, moisture-wicking, perfect for layering. I have at least three fleece jackets, two fleece vests, two fleece pullover shirts, and a drawer full of fleece gloves and various styles of fleece head covering. You can never own too much fleece if you live anywhere with a season other than summer. I used to fantasize about traveling back in time to be an early nineteenth century mountain main, exploring the Rocky Mountains before they were transformed into ski resorts and golf courses. But then I realized that mountain men didn’t have fleece (or quilted toilet paper). Fantasy over.
4. Express Pass at Universal Orlando Studios
My nerdy kids insisted we spend spring break last year at Universal’s Harry Potter themed amusement park. Because of my misandry issues, we splurged and stayed in a hotel on the property that allowed us early entry to avoid crowds and we purchased express passes that allowed us to skip lines. At first I felt guilty speeding by all those sad families wilting in the heat in long, long queues. But I quickly learned not to make eye contact and the guilt all went away.
3 Fleece
How can people survive without fleece? Warm, lightweight, moisture-wicking, perfect for layering. I have at least three fleece jackets, two fleece vests, two fleece pullover shirts, and a drawer full of fleece gloves and various styles of fleece head covering. You can never own too much fleece if you live anywhere with a season other than summer. I used to fantasize about traveling back in time to be an early nineteenth century mountain main, exploring the Rocky Mountains before they were transformed into ski resorts and golf courses. But then I realized that mountain men didn’t have fleece (or quilted toilet paper). Fantasy over.
4. Express Pass at Universal Orlando Studios
My nerdy kids insisted we spend spring break last year at Universal’s Harry Potter themed amusement park. Because of my misandry issues, we splurged and stayed in a hotel on the property that allowed us early entry to avoid crowds and we purchased express passes that allowed us to skip lines. At first I felt guilty speeding by all those sad families wilting in the heat in long, long queues. But I quickly learned not to make eye contact and the guilt all went away.
5. Internet radio
There are options to commercial radio stations that make you fantasize about piercing your
eardrums with sharp objects to stop the noiseshit that oozes from your radio
speakers. My preferred is Pandora internet
radio. I can determine the kinds of song and artists I want to hear, and then plays those
kinds of songs and artists for me. You can unlike a song and never hear it
again. You can skip a song if you don’t want to listen to it at the moment.
Both are options even satellite radio cannot offer. You can discover artists
and songs you never heard before and now you’ve sold your earthly belongings,
bought a van, and follow them from show to show. The free version is decent, but for the price of a couple of lattes a month, you
get unlimited skips and no advertisements. Friends don't let friends listen to commercial radio.
6. Grocery delivery service
Order groceries online. On you laptop. From bed. In your underwear (or for sophisticated shoppers, pajamas). Select a delivery time. Wait for green Peapod delivery truck to arrive. Hold door while driver brings your groceries into your house and sets them on the kitchen counter. Say thank you. Your grocery shopping is done. Unless you live in an area where this service is not available. In that case, at least you have Amazon Prime.
7. Newspaper subscription
One of the best things in life is getting up before the family on a cold Sunday morning, fixing a pot of coffee, and reading the Sunday paper while wearing a fleece pullover, flannel pants, and slippers. Not on your iPad but the way God intended – in the black and white newsprint you just picked up from your driveway. But I confess that this might change (disclosure: recovering newspaper journalist for nearly a decade who dropped out to attend law school when the internet was still a baby). I currently subscribe to the Washington Post but read many of the stories in my morning paper the evening before through links on Twitter. There soon will come a day when I accept that online delivery is a better format for news content (or maybe the Jeff Bezos-owned WaPo one day will simply announce it will publish exclusively online). When that day comes, I’ll be the first to pay a subscription for electronic delivery. I hope enough others will as well.
8. GPS wristwatches for runners
As a runner, I know that there is nothing non-runners enjoy more than listening to a runner explain to them about running. So let me explain why I love my GPS watch designed for runners. My Garmin tracks miles, elapsed time, pace in minutes per mile by the entirety of your run as well as by each mile. I love having access to all that data. I started logging every mile I have run since January 1, 2007, after receiving my first Garmin for Christmas in 2006. Since then I have logged 9,777.4 miles through the end of 2014, plus another 207.7 so far this year. I could also tell you the elapsed time and pace for each of those miles. I’m not going to do that because you don’t deserve it. I heard you roll your eyes when I started explaining about running.
9. Pimped out showers
We recently remodeled two outdated bathrooms in our 1960s era ranch-style home. The master bathroom is tiny so Carissa insisted that we compensate for its cozy dimensions by going fancy. This includes a tiled walk-in shower with a large overhead “rain-maker” showerhead and three body-spray jets built into the wall. I was skeptical. Because money. But of course I wasn’t going to win this debate because once Carissa wraps her mind around a notion, you can’t shake it loose even with a Taser. Not that I would use a Taser on my wife. God no. I would not do that. Definitely not. I’m just saying that if the police or someone did that, she still would not let go of her notion. And she was absolutely right on this one, even though I don’t know precisely how much the extra shower heads cost. I don’t even care. The experience is so good that I stay in that shower nirvana until the hot water runs out.
10. Good bed sheets
My daddy used to tell me to always buy cheap beer because cheap beer makes you giggle and piss just like the expensive stuff. He also used to tell me that the best way not to hit your thumb while hammering nails (he was a construction worker) was to swing the hammer with both hands. (I'll pause while you work that one out). When my kids are old enough to appreciate my wisdom, I will tell them about the hammer thing of course, but also that they should always buy the most expensive bed sheets that they can afford. I do not claim to know anything about thread-counts and differences between cotton grown in Egypt and cotton grown in Texas, but I do know that we have two sets of sheets for our bed, the “good ones” and the “shitty ones.” And I know that when the good ones aren’t out of the wash when its time for bed we get stuck using the shitty ones and the difference is obvious. There is just nothing better than slipping between cool, crisp, cotton sheets. Unless it is slipping into the good sheets when they are fresh out of the dryer. When that happens, I’ll shower (until the hot water runs out) before climbing in just to pay the appropriate respect.
6. Grocery delivery service
Order groceries online. On you laptop. From bed. In your underwear (or for sophisticated shoppers, pajamas). Select a delivery time. Wait for green Peapod delivery truck to arrive. Hold door while driver brings your groceries into your house and sets them on the kitchen counter. Say thank you. Your grocery shopping is done. Unless you live in an area where this service is not available. In that case, at least you have Amazon Prime.
7. Newspaper subscription
One of the best things in life is getting up before the family on a cold Sunday morning, fixing a pot of coffee, and reading the Sunday paper while wearing a fleece pullover, flannel pants, and slippers. Not on your iPad but the way God intended – in the black and white newsprint you just picked up from your driveway. But I confess that this might change (disclosure: recovering newspaper journalist for nearly a decade who dropped out to attend law school when the internet was still a baby). I currently subscribe to the Washington Post but read many of the stories in my morning paper the evening before through links on Twitter. There soon will come a day when I accept that online delivery is a better format for news content (or maybe the Jeff Bezos-owned WaPo one day will simply announce it will publish exclusively online). When that day comes, I’ll be the first to pay a subscription for electronic delivery. I hope enough others will as well.
8. GPS wristwatches for runners
As a runner, I know that there is nothing non-runners enjoy more than listening to a runner explain to them about running. So let me explain why I love my GPS watch designed for runners. My Garmin tracks miles, elapsed time, pace in minutes per mile by the entirety of your run as well as by each mile. I love having access to all that data. I started logging every mile I have run since January 1, 2007, after receiving my first Garmin for Christmas in 2006. Since then I have logged 9,777.4 miles through the end of 2014, plus another 207.7 so far this year. I could also tell you the elapsed time and pace for each of those miles. I’m not going to do that because you don’t deserve it. I heard you roll your eyes when I started explaining about running.
9. Pimped out showers
We recently remodeled two outdated bathrooms in our 1960s era ranch-style home. The master bathroom is tiny so Carissa insisted that we compensate for its cozy dimensions by going fancy. This includes a tiled walk-in shower with a large overhead “rain-maker” showerhead and three body-spray jets built into the wall. I was skeptical. Because money. But of course I wasn’t going to win this debate because once Carissa wraps her mind around a notion, you can’t shake it loose even with a Taser. Not that I would use a Taser on my wife. God no. I would not do that. Definitely not. I’m just saying that if the police or someone did that, she still would not let go of her notion. And she was absolutely right on this one, even though I don’t know precisely how much the extra shower heads cost. I don’t even care. The experience is so good that I stay in that shower nirvana until the hot water runs out.
10. Good bed sheets
My daddy used to tell me to always buy cheap beer because cheap beer makes you giggle and piss just like the expensive stuff. He also used to tell me that the best way not to hit your thumb while hammering nails (he was a construction worker) was to swing the hammer with both hands. (I'll pause while you work that one out). When my kids are old enough to appreciate my wisdom, I will tell them about the hammer thing of course, but also that they should always buy the most expensive bed sheets that they can afford. I do not claim to know anything about thread-counts and differences between cotton grown in Egypt and cotton grown in Texas, but I do know that we have two sets of sheets for our bed, the “good ones” and the “shitty ones.” And I know that when the good ones aren’t out of the wash when its time for bed we get stuck using the shitty ones and the difference is obvious. There is just nothing better than slipping between cool, crisp, cotton sheets. Unless it is slipping into the good sheets when they are fresh out of the dryer. When that happens, I’ll shower (until the hot water runs out) before climbing in just to pay the appropriate respect.
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