Letters to an advice columnist

I’m not the kind of person who sends letters to newspaper advice columnists. I’m the kind of person who writes letters to newspaper advice columnists but never sends them. Here is a collection of letters I have written but never sent to Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax:

Dear Carolyn,

Is it weird that I fantasize about living apart from my wife and children? I don’t want to abandon them. I love them and can’t imagine living without the sense of purpose and wonder they instill in me each day of my life. But at times I want to listen to the music I want, watch the television and movies I want, use the toilet without interruption, revel in the luxury of finishing whatever I’m reading without interruption. Simple things like that. At the same time, I also want to maintain my relationship with my family. My idea is a “dad pad” in the back yard, a simple studio-style apartment with a modern, high-end kitchen (I enjoy cooking for my family), comfortable chair for reading and watching television, a couch for guests, and a television that occupies an entire wall. Also, a kick-ass sound system and a deck for grilling and smoking meat. My wife and kids would be welcome to come any time they wanted. I would continue to drive kids to sports practices and other activities, help them with homework, take out the trash from the main house and my dad pad, and other duties that contribute to the well-being of those I love. My family is amazing, don’t get me wrong. It's just that I sometimes I am overcome by a general sense of twitchiness and crave a safe space to occupy. How should I broach this subject with my wife (who would have an open invitation to spend the night when she wanted)?

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

My wife read my letter to you and thinks that it is "weird" and "too long." Usually I trust her instincts but this time I'm not so sure. Is it coincidence that her criticism comes shortly after she asked me what I thought of a new coat she had purchased (on sale) and I panicked and blurted that it was "weird" and "too long"?


Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

Who is the bigger monster: pet owners who neglect to pick up their dogs' crap when it poops on my lawn or grocery shoppers who pay by check and neglect to dig their checkbook out until tab is totaled? People who text while walking on public sidewalks or wait-staff who are all chatty and attentive up front and then disappear when the kids are fussy and you’re ready for the check? Vegans or Cross-Fitters? Colleagues who needlessly reply-to-all when emailing or people who leave voice messages that would have been texted? Who am I missing?

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

I’m always right and sometimes people – even people I love and respect – fail to see that I am right. I’m not asking for advice, I just need you to know the situation in case my wife or kids write to you.

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

I made a joke in public at the expense of one of my neighbors (I mistakenly believed his beard was intentionally ironic) and now it’s awkward every time we encounter one another at school bus stop or other neighborhood gatherings. He lets on like it doesn’t bother him, but deep down, I know he resents me and given the opportunity, I’m convinced he would try to physically harm me. Should I confront him, or go to the authorities and seek a restraining order?

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

My eight-year-old daughter received a participation trophy at the conclusion of her youth recreational soccer season. I was outraged and took the participation trophy away from her, doused it with lighter fluid, and burned it in the backyard. It took a while because hard plastic does not burn quickly. Also, it doesn’t burn all the way, it just melts into a smoldering lump. My daughter cried and cried while her participation trophy burned. But I held her tight and explained that you don’t get participation trophies in real life. Now she doesn’t want to play soccer anymore. What is wrong with children these days?

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

I recently discovered that my teenage daughter is writing "fake news" for one of those website you regularly see on your social media news feeds that are corrosive to social discourse and weaken institutional pillars of our democracy. What she's writing also contributes to partisan cynicism and dangerously inflames rhetoric in a politically unstable environment. But she's talented at what she does and, for a high school kid, is making serious money. Serious enough to make significant contributions to her college education. Also, she writes from a political perspective that is consistent with my belief system. My wife thinks we should make her stop, but I'm not seeing the problem. How do we resolve this issue? 

Basic Bethesda Dad

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Dear Carolyn,

To be honest, I am hesitant to share my real issues (gluttony, that recurring dream where I am buying a Sherlock Holmes style pipe that is somehow an app for my smartphone, that feeling that my short-term memory is drifting away, shouting at the television when cable news is on, etc.) in letters to a newspaper, even when I don't actually send those letters, and even when I'm sending them to you. I bet you get that a lot.

Basic Bethesda Dad


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Dear Carolyn,

Been doing some soul searching. You always say that it is best to be honest with yourself and with others about what you need to be happy. Well, there’s no easy way to say this but I’ve been writing and not sending letters to Amy Dickinson. You may know her. She’s an advice columnist, like you, for the Chicago Tribune where her Dear Amy column is syndicated. She’s also a regular panelist on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me and is consistently funny and charming. Not that you are not funny and charming. You are. It’s just that I am happy when I’m writing and not sending letters to Dear Amy and it’s not always easy for me to be happy. It’s not you, Carolyn Hax. It’s me. I will always cherish your advice. Good bye.

Basic Bethesda Dad