Top 10 Christmas Peeves

10.     Christmas music before Thanksgiving. So wrong. Christmas music, maybe, for a few hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. The Christmas music industrial complex is garbage. All of it.

9.     Elf on a Shelf. Conditioning children for constant surveillance by a security state. Big Brother much?

8.     Christmas trees. Total racket.

7.     Christmas movies. Meaningless college football bowl games (looking at you, San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl) are better than every Christmas movie ever. Yes, even holiday tripe like Miracle on 32^th Street or It’s a Wonderful Life. Ugh.  (Note: does not include the unrated version of Bad Santa).

6.     People in public humming Christmas carols. Worst. Monsters. Ever.

5.     Threatening kids with the Santa-won’t-come-if-you’re-not-good bullshit. Empty threat and kids know it. You’re horrible parents.

4.     The IT guy at work asking if you want to buy overpriced boxes of Christmas cookies his daughter is selling to raise money for her school basketball team. Great. The one guy at work I can’t afford to piss off engaging in holiday extortion.

3.     Office Christmas parties. Like I want to hang out and make small talk with people I work with all day. While trying to avoid becoming trapped in conversation with someone from management. And avoiding the IT guy carrying around an order form for holiday wreathes. The only mitigating factor is that these nightmares usually involve booze.

2.     Stop-motion animated Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer television special. This show is a hot mess. A simple redemption story about a little reindeer with some sort of birth defect who is bullied by other reindeer must involve an abominable snow monster? An island for misfit toys? A creepy prospector named Yukon Cornelius? WTF?

1.     The manufactured outrage of the War on Christmas and the culture warriors who fight it. Look around sheeple. We, as a nation, just celebrated the impending birthday of sweet baby Jesus with BLACK FRIDAY, the mother of all spending orgies. A clerk at Target wishing us “Happy Holidays” is not the problem.