Unthankful

Thanksgiving Day is coming soon. So it seems like a good time for me to share some things that I am not so crazy about. As it turns out, one of my superpowers is my outsized contrarian nature. Another is that I can accurately select the right-sized Tupperware for leftovers, but that’s a story for another day. As a contrarian, when I hear thoughtful folks publicly expressing gratitude, I immediately search the dark recesses of my mind for the things that annoy me. This November some of you have committed to publicly expressing one thing for which you are grateful each day of the month. I applaud you but I lack your ambition. Nonetheless, I was able to scrape together a week’s worth of ungratefulness. 

Day 1: Superfluous holidays 

I’m looking at you, Mother’s Day. But it’s not you, moms, it’s me. It’s also Valentines Day and, yes, Father’s Day too. Just because Hallmark wants to sell greeting cards does not mean we must meekly acquiesce. Seriously. If Hallmark made a card telling us to jump off a roof, would we all jump off a roof? Probably, and that’s my point. It’s not just those “holidays” where we are bullied into buying cards. It’s also all those days that attempt to impose obligations on us. Boss Appreciation Day, Take Your Cat to Work Day, World Poetry Day. Ugh. I have enough to do without people making up shit and expecting me to play along. I have a simple proposal. How about we keep the holidays that let us stay home from work plus St. Patrick’s Day (Irish whiskey) and Halloween (my brother’s birthday) and then get back to our regular lives?

Day 2: Swamp ass

I moved from a semi-arid climate in the sagebrush steppe and foothills of Boise to Washington, D.C. Don’t mind the humidity, people say, you will acclimate in time. Sorry, but you do not “get used to” or otherwise learn to live with humidity unless you enjoy walking around in soggy underwear perpetually moist from collecting the sweat generated by your, um, body. Swamp ass is the scientific term, although it is also known as swamp crotch. I am not thankful either way.

Day 3: Weak excuses

You know what makes my head explode? When I ask one of my kids why they did something and they respond “because.” Not because followed by a dependent clause containing a plausible explanation for their conduct or thought process, but just because. Period. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Because is a subordinate conjunction. A subordinate conjunction’s sole purpose is to introduce a dependent clause and join the dependent clause to the independent clause in a sentence. A subordinate conjunction cannot stand alone. Why? Because I said so, that’s why.

Day 4: Acronyms

OMFG I hate acronyms. I work for the government and government people love acronyms like young Republican males love to wear navy blazers and khaki pants. As a government attorney, I work on NRDAR issues for DOI and I can never remember what the second “R” stands for. Basically my job involves PRPs who allegedly violate CERCLA, OPA, and CWA, mostly on behalf of FWS but sometimes BLM, NPS, and/or BIA. And don’t get me started on NEPA compliance – EA, EIS, DEIS, FONSI, ROD . . . . Someone make it stop. Please. ASAP.

Day 5: The Oblivious 

If you're not sure if you're a member of this tribe, the answer is yes. For the rest of you, we encounter The Oblivious every day. They're at the coffee shop fumbling for change only after the barista rings up their total. They are driving down sidewalks while texting their BFFs. I work in an urban area and regularly run during my lunch break in areas where pedestrians are unavoidable. I am no longer amazed when people fail to notice that a one hundred and eighty-five pound man is rapidly approaching them on a collusion course. I guess they assume I will save their lives and cause myself an injury while attempting to swerve or stop for them. I guess they should have notice the growing number of pedestrian figures I have tattooed down the side of my leg.

Day 6: The Humor Impaired

Sometimes known as the Easily Offended, people who do not easily laugh make life for the rest of us that much more difficult. Lighten up, dickheads.

Day 7: Prying Strangers

Look, if you want to say a “hello” that’s fine. I’d prefer that you just nod and then we go back to our own business. Just because we are assigned seats next to each other on a five-hour flight to California does not license you to ask me where I’m going, where I’m from, and how I earn a living. Notice the ear buds and the open book? That’s a subtle hint, Professor Oblivious (see No. 5).

* * *

There it is, my week of ingratitude. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. But don’t forget to take a few moments from this busy holiday season to reflect on how things could always be worse. Like you could have me at your Thanksgiving table hogging the mashed potatoes and bitching about how the Dallas Cowboys always play on Thanksgiving Day and how their owner Jerry Jones is insufferable and why is it always turkey? Why couldn’t we celebrate with Thanksgiving prime rib or something? Hello? Anybody?