Free range parenting

My seventh grader is drafting a “family contract” intended to encourage the four people in our household to better function as a family unit. The idea is to set forth standards of conduct and identify responsibilities.

Ugh. Why can’t she be a normal kid and just talk about grandiose projects without following through? This can’t possibly end well.

I should disclose that the concept of a family contract is the antithesis of my parenting strategy, which is this: don’t draw a line unless you’re ready to take action against anyone crossing that line. Because there's nothing worse than drawing lines that are ignored. Bad things happen. Chaos. Anarchy. Bitchy old people in the Walmart giving you the stink eye because your bratty kids aren’t listening to your loud, escalating threats. Free range parenting eliminates these confrontations. The kids will turn out just fine probably. 

A family contract draws lines. And I know my family (and myself) well enough to know that any document purporting to regulate our conduct will be breached early and often. And then we have an enforcement problem.

Here’s how life happens in our home. It’s after dinner on a Friday and dad is sitting in a comfortable chair doing dad stuff, like researching Walter White Halloween costumes on the internet and drinking whiskey. Mom is down the hall watching a show about remodeling kitchens. The kindergartener is happily sprawled on the living room floor playing with a toy stuffed owl she found in big sister’s room. Big sister is at the dining room table on her laptop drafting a family contract. She notices little sister and the owl. Big sister is fond of the owl. It comforts her at bedtime and she likes to imagine it bringing her packages from home when she is away at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Big sister strides to the living room and yanks the owl from little sister’s clutches causing little sister to issue a protest approximating the sound of ten thousand demons wailing from the bowels of hell as they are tossed in vats of boiling oil. Then little sister calls big sister a poophead and the big one tells the little one to shut her piehole as big sister and her owl depart. Little sister turns her attention to mom's iPhone and starts taking photos of herself. A brief moment of drama fading once again into tranquility.

How would this scene differ if our family contract had been in place? Let’s start with provisions in the current draft. I direct your attention to Article III.B, which states:

No one in this family shall use the following words/phrases: Poophead, turd, shut up, shut your mouth/piehole/trap, shut it, I hate you, you idiot/dummy, stupid head.

Article III.D is also worth a look:

The residents of the Miller household shall not yell, scream, or raise their voices in any way.

Plainly the children in our scenario have violated both Article III.B and Article III.D. Lines have been crossed. To ignore the flagrant breach of contract would in effect render the document worthless. To uphold the integrity of the document, consequences must follow. Discipline must be imposed. Hence the enforcement problem. Dad would be forced to get out of his chair and yell at the children for violating at least two provisions of the family contract. The little one would deny that she raised her voice and further deny uttering a prohibited word. The big one would sputter and call little sister a liar. Dad would yell some more and then mom would come down the hall and yell at everyone to shut up and then the big one would point out that mom had just violated Article III.B and Article III.D of the family contract. Oh, oh. Shit just got real.

Ugh. Exhausting.

I’m not saying we don’t need help. We are loud. Some of us don’t know when to turn off the sarcasm. Some of us walk through a room and leave clutter in our wake. We too often talk when we should listen. We all have the capacity to devolve into pettiness and defensiveness and passive aggressiveness and selfishness and a bunch of other “-nesses.” And did I mention that we are loud? 

We’ll see where we go with the family contract. I am encouraged that my daughter humored me by adding a “general provisions” section to her draft  to set forth “adages,” as she derisively calls them. The youngsters can mock me, but there are reasons certain time-tested truths have endured: Treat others as you want to be treated. You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit. Clean as you go. Never poke your finger at your mother and tell her she breached the family code of conduct. Just everyday stuff that we should think about without crossing any firm lines.  

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe creating and codifying specific conduct expectations will be a good thing. Maybe I should just shut my piehole and stop being a poophead about the contract thing. But I remained skeptical about Article III.D. I mentioned that we are loud, right?